as some of you may know, i am heading back home for a itty bitty break, no I’m not okay so don’t ask when you see me, if you end up seeing me of course. i am taking this break back home to get in touch with myself and resolve all those damn issues Ive never been able to resolve. and then hopefully, if i will EVER be good enough, my boyfriend might take me back. but of course, with karina´s luck, that is unlikely to happen, just because that’s how i am right? i stick to all the bad things and people, and when I really have someone finally “good” these type of things happen, and they only happen to me. Ive learned a lot these past 10 months after living with him, but i didn’t really let him know how much i really had learned, or how much i really saw him trying to make things work, all i really did let him know was all thebadandinappropriatethings he was doing. so as usual, i am out once again, learning the hard way because it seems as though i never learn the good ways or even easy ways. just to make myself feel a bit better i would like to state a few things Ive done that have started good, and ended up bad, maybe that will give me some sort of closure, although we all know that isn’t true in karinas case.ill go back a few years just to see how much of a failure Ive bee all these years, and to prove that ill keep on failing with this “don’t give a shit attitude”
- 2005- thought it would be WONDERFUL to go to new york and do something almost every teenager wanted, i went to nyfa, BEGGED my parents to let me go with kryssy and jess because this is what i liked to do. well heres how that turned out: made my parents waste 4,500 in just the one month class of acting in which i NEVER, i repeat NEVER went to. they sent me approximatly 2000 dollars in that one month, in which i only spent it on myself and crap. got back to miami, and this is where everything turned around.
- 2006-2007: got back to high school, failed every class possible with N/C, continued to fail. until i decided to drop out……to do nothing
- 2008-2009: probably the most responsible and fun time of my life aside from what ive been doing lately, i worked with my aunt, traveled almost everywhere, paid my own things, had everything my way, until ofcourse didnt think that was good enough, decided to go out everynight, to drink, drive drunk, drink some more, worry my parents sick, get to work hungover, until obviously, i lost the job.
- 2010-2011: the most awful time of my fucking life. moved to colombia to got oschool, also begged my parents it was the best to do, since i was doing so bad in miami, i thought “well maybeeeeeeeee i can go to another country and experience something new” silly me, i didnt know what was in store for me. yeah sure i went to school made my parents spend money on the most expensive school here, because karina was “ready” to go to school, wrong again, met the worst human being of my life, who all he did was use me, make me not go to school, and no, im nto talking about a boyfriend, i am talking just about a gay friend. who ruined me, and i HELPED him ruin me. bring me down so fucking low, for one year, yet i was too blind to see any of this, i was …in my head having the time of my life. but again, i was WRONG, as usual right? my parents put me between going to rehab, or going to rehab…..no other choice, BEGGED once more to let me come home, and promised i would get better, this time was different. i actually changed, i finally woke the fuck up. met the one in the picture just 3 or 4 days prior to going back home, online, fell head over heels, went back to miami to call him everyday, wanting to see him thru cam everyday. i was finally changing, rejecting every black soul that would call me to go out and drink, or do other things, just to stay home talking to him. call me what you want, but it was working, traveled in september back to colombia for 3 days to run some errands, we decided to meet up. fell in love again. planned to come in january to live with him.
- 2012- finally here in bogota, came to a home to find him. the only person i think i was able to love…ever.started off on the wrong foot, thanks to who? karina. we ignored it, crashed god knows how many times only realize 10 months later things arent working out and that we need a break…thanks to who…..? karina. i did, i learned the good way in some stuff, but the hard way most of the time.not only that, i actually had the nerve, to take some skeletons out of my closet, that i had no idea about. which is why im here, writting this, and realizing that thanks to acting like the happiest girl in the world, that has everything “material” i hid these things, i hid them so fucking deep down that they came out with the best thing that ever happened to me. i thought i was bitchy, but no, i have actually learned, im suicidal, crazy, ocd in a way, impulsive, everything you can mention and find in a mental hospital in one tiny little body that yes, in deed belongs to karina.
now, i am here, regretting everything i said, everything i did to ruin my only little salvation to go foward in life. now i find myself, in bed, next to him thinking nonstop about how i will say bye on monday when i head back home to start therapy and TRY to get back in shape so i can back here and fix what i damaged. that is ofcourse if i find myself a LITTLE lucky for a change, and not have him find someone better, who doesnt have all the issues i have, who doesnt piss him off, who cooks for him, who is hotter than i am, who does everything he likes to do who just makes him happier than how i made him feel. either way, i will make these changes while im at it, and hope that a little luck falls on me and lets me keep something for once, knowing I was able to change, and I was able to fix things without money for a change.wish me luck on this one!its all i really want.
ps, sorry for venting on you guys, till tuesday when im home and start therapy i have no one else to vent to, until then read on.